a miracle. {recap of the last 15 days}

Jesus replied "What is impossible with man is possible with God." Luke 18:27

15 days ago we took Naomi in for a cough that she had for going on four days. I was really just tired of not sleeping, I figured it was croup and she could get some meds and we would be on our way. Or I should say Andrew on his way, he took Naomi in, so I could go into work, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal.

It was a big deal.

Dr. Beck, the amazing doctor who did such a thorough exam on Naomi's chest requested an x-ray after giving Naomi a breathing treatment and hearing that things just didn't sound right. Nothing else wrong with her-no fever or acting differently, just a cough. {And thank you to Dr. Beck for trusting her instinct and not just sending us on our way with meds!}

An x-ray for a cough. Really? Yes, God knew exactly what was happening.

We immediately were told to head to Riley because a large tumor was found near Naomi's heart and lungs.

I will never forget the moment we stepped in our home to gather our belongings as quickly as possible before heading to Riley. Andrew and I stopped right there on our wood floors and fell to our knees to pray. Really to cry out to save our baby. And God knew.

By the evening time at Riley we were told they were 95% sure it was Neuroblastoma based on the initial characteristics of the x-ray and the CT Scan they performed, but more tests would need to be ran to confirm. A hospital worker, seemingly unfamiliar with what to tell patients when they first hear the news that their two year old has cancer, told us Naomi would start chemo the next day after her biopsy and bone marrow check. Those words shocked us. What was going on? All of a sudden we were in the cancer unit at Riley and wheeling my baby around in a red wagon with IV's dripping fluids into her. But God knew exactly what was happening.

Thankfully, around 11pm that night, Dr. West came into the picture and she quickly crushed that idea of starting chemo the next day. She said we would try to do the biopsy and bone marrow check, but wasn't sure if we would. She has had a calm and confidence to her the whole time, that we respect so much.

That's all we knew. Neuroblastoma. I did not google it. I refused to go there. Only through stories that had reached me did I know that it appeared to be an aggressive childhood cancer that can require years of treatment. But God knew. And this surreal peace came rushing in. It was literally like God telling me not to worry, He has this. He knows. He is right there. Right here.

Then Dr. West gave us hope. She said if they can surgically remove 90% of the tumor, sometimes the rest of the tumor can regress on it's own if it had not spread yet. That is what I was holding on to, that is what I hoped and prayed and pleaded to God.

We ended up not getting a bone marrow check or biopsy on that Friday, but we did get an abdominal scan to see if the cancer spread there. It didn't. Which was amazing news, being that with Neuroblastoma, many times if it has spread, it is there. If it hadn't gone to the abdomen, could it possibly have not spread? We didn't know yet, but God knew.

We were sent home until Tuesday morning, surgery day. We were home for nearly four days to be showered with love, rejuvenate our bodies and souls. And just to be in the moment. God knew how much that would help our family.

Surgery couldn't have gone better. Not to mention, somewhere around ten countries were praying for sweet Naomi. And thousands of people. Every update we had was great news and the last update was just astounding--they were able to get 95% of the tumor. More than they had hoped. Because God is bigger. God knew.

 I'm sharing the before and after scans so you can you get a better understanding of the size of the tumor and how this is truly a miracle that it did not spread and ended up being mostly benign. The tube going down on the right picture is from her breathing tube. 

For recovery, Naomi was put in a general recovery area of the hospital, instead of the cancer floor because that floor was full. At that moment, God spoke to me and said it was because we weren't going to be dealing with cancer. Sounds crazy? It's true.

Naomi recovered from surgery so well. She was able to move onto her side almost immediately, which wasn't even a goal until the next day. She went potty within 20 minutes of her catheter being removed. Two days after the procedure, the goal was to walk three times. She got up and walked six times.

And then the news came. What we had been waiting on...had it spread? Is it in her bone marrow? The thing is, I knew the answer. God knew the answer and He gave me that peace that surpasses all understanding. My usual self would have been worried sick waiting for that news, scared, in full anticipation. But I never felt that. When the news came, we obviously were ecstatic and Andrew and I slapped each other a high five and I did a little dance in the halls of those white, sterile rooms. But what God had been telling us, was just confirmed.

It didn't spread. In fact, most of the tumor was benign, what is called Ganglioneuroma. Some cancerous cells did show up, but they wouldn't require treatment because the surgery was able to remove it all. The 5% that was left? Benign. [That was confirmed today when Naomi had an mIBG scan to check for hidden spots and anymore cancerous cells.]

That's it. Surgery. Done. Only follow up testing.

I never looked up stats or wanted to know what treatment might look like. I knew chemo and radiation could most definitely be on the radar, but I also knew God gave me a peace that could only come from Him. And whatever was going to happen, He knew.

On the way up today to get Naomi's scan I asked Andrew to look up a stat. I told him to find out what the chances would be that when diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, that you would only need surgery to remove it. He found an article that stated 6%. (And here is where I should give credit to the article, but I honestly don't know where he found it, and yeah, I'm sure there are other stats out there that say differently. But the point is, it is a very low number.) SIX PERCENT.

So Naomi beat the odds. But the thing is, God doesn't run on chances or 'beating the odds' nor is he constrained by time or age or stats. God sees eternity. And that is why His plan is so much better than mine. I'm going to continue to throw stats out the window.

None of this is by accident. The way everything happened. The outcome. The chances of Naomi's Neuroblastoma actually being low-grade, especially for her age (usually low-grade is in infants, not 2.5 year olds). The fact that the tumor was in a location fairly easy to remove, in other words, not wrapped around other organs. The way Naomi responded to her IV injection today and yesterday with barely a blink. The way she wasn't even bothered when her drainage tube was removed today. A tube out of her chest, did not phase her.

I'm not saying this to make it look like this journey was easy. Or that I was happy the whole time. I cried and had to watch Naomi be in pain and recover and spend nights sleeping on a hard tiny sofa, if you can even call it that. I was away from my other two children more than I ever would have wanted to be. But I did feel peace. And comfort from God the Creator of all things. Naomi's story cannot be told without God being mentioned. Because He was and is clearly present. Prayer is powerful and we gathered an army to pray for her. {Thank you for sharing our story and praying.}

We have one more test on Tuesday, a bone scan to make sure Naomi's spine or other bones weren't affected by it, being that part of the tumor was resting on her spine. But pretty much in the last 15 days, God worked a miracle in Naomi. God is real and relevant. And that in despair and when you are in your darkest moment, a nightmare, God will carry you through. And light will come. In His time, which is not of this world, but with eternity in mind.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But what I've learned from this, is to take today for what it is--a gift. I know that we will face more hardships in the days ahead, but I'm thankful that I can document this miracle and be reminded of how God used our little Naomi to bring glory to Him and He saved her. Being at the feet of Jesus, clinging to His robe is a place where grace abounds.

love endures. {an opportunity to help someone else}

While Lincoln was taking a late afternoon nap today, I sat at the dining room table in awe of the sights, sounds, and smells that surrounded me. Naomi kept tiptoeing in wearing her favorite Rapunzel dress. [Mind you, that was probably her fourth change of the day, and she only had been home for a few hours. That girl can change like a boss. Drainage tube hanging from her has nothing on her ability to strip down.] And I listened to her toddler voice with the missing "Ls" and slurred sentences. I pretty much want to video everything that comes out of her mouth because her voice needs to be boxed up and savored. I overheard Andrew playing a princess game with Audrey, vibrations of joy came straight from her. I looked at my counter and it was filled with cookies from the afternoon. While we were at the hospital with Naomi to get a dye injection earlier in the day, my sister and friend decorated cookies with the kids. Like no big deal. We will pick your kids up from school, take them to get special decorating stuff at the store, bake cookies with them, and make memories. My refrigerator is full of food, none of which I have bought. I can't remember the last time I went the grocery store. We filled up our gas tank with a gift card from someone. We have a huge box sitting on our counter for Naomi, surely filled with sweet pink things. The smell of homemade chicken pot pie and pomegranate blueberry vinaigrette filled the air enough that I had to stop typing and go eat. Because, YUM. I haven't made dinner for the last 14 days. We received multiple cards of encouragement in the mail today both from strangers and friends.

Every blessing. Every time I say thank you it just doesn't seem sufficient for what we are receiving. God is using each person to create this safety net for us. It's like saying, just fall, we will catch you. Your burden is ours.

That's exactly what God has been telling me the whole time. My burden is His. He gave His son. For me. For you.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

Pierced.
Crushed.
Wounds.

Instead of feeling such emotions of turmoil these last two weeks, we have felt an abundance of love, hope, joy, peace, and faith. Through it all.

Love never gives us, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through all circumstances. 1 Corinthians 13:7

You guys, we had meals set up for a month and a half. People were ready to come mow our lawn every week. To do unfinished projects at our house. To hire a cleaning person to come deep clean. Provide us with a deep freezer for meals. I can't even wrap my head around how amazing people are and what can happen in such a short amount of time when love is the focus. Most of these blessings we are kindly turning down, as we are ready to move on from this short-lived journey with childhood cancer. But we are incredibly thankful for each blessing that comes in. God worked a miracle in our Naomi and all we are doing now is follow-up protocol testing. She will continue to have follow-ups, probably for the rest of her life. But, it is all worth it to bring glory to Him, the One who saves. I was brought to the feet of Jesus and I don't want to leave.

I know so many people just want to bless Naomi and our family and bring a smile our way. Let me tell you, we are smiling and choosing joy. God is good. Thank you so very much for all the love we have received in the last 14 days. We are truly blown away. We have everything we need and more. But I'd like to throw something out here. I have a friend named Bridgette Boswell who I met on the Internet. [Crazy Internet people getting to know other crazy Internet people. Go figure.] She has no idea that I'm writing about her. (Hi Bridgette if you are reading this!) But her family has been on my heart recently.  Her and her husband have two boys (one of which they adopted) and they are currently trying to bring home their girl, sweet Edna to her forever family. They are in the waiting period right now. And I was just thinking, how cool would it be for her adoption fundraiser to be met while they wait?! So here's the deal, if you have felt it on your heart to help Naomi and want to bless our family, I'm asking that you consider blessing The Boswell family in honor of Naomi. Bridgette's blog, Stitches of Love, has a PayPal fundraiser account attached on the right hand side (just click on the blog title and it will direct you to her page). We have experienced first hand what a difference it can make when people come together to shower a family in love with prayer and monetary gifts.

Here's a little video to learn more about this fellow Indiana family, the Boswell's and their journey with adoption. [They have this video up on their blog and I thought I would share. They are pretty dag'on cute.]

Link to Blog for Donations: Stitches of Love

his redemption song.

Exactly one week ago, almost to the minute, we were told by our fabulous doctor, Dr. West, that the surgery to remove Naomi's tumor couldn't have gone better. God heard our cries and He did a miracle. He had His hand on Naomi. In that white stark sterile room, on the hands of extremely gifted surgeons and nurses as they guided around the mass attached to Naomi's lung. He had his hands wrapped around me as we worshipped Him two floors above Naomi in the hospital. I'm so incredibly grateful that He answered our prayers the way I hoped, in the way I had peace about it, that came from Him. But the thing is, no matter the outcome of yesterday, today, or tomorrow, His hands are on me. On Naomi. On Audrey. On Lincoln. On my husband. On each and every one of us. His wings are spread to bring comfort to those in Oklahoma right now. This world is full of devastation and things out of our control. But His promise remains true. One day, one day everything will be made new again. His redemption song will be loud and clear.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those that love him. James 1:12

No one except Christ alone is invincible. We aren't protected from tragedy and death and cancer and natural disasters and evil as long as we are on earth. Sometimes we face trials that just seem to have no end in sight. Years of treatment. My mom went through 4.5 years of chemo and radiation treatment for her Breast Cancer, while trying to raise six kids with my dad. And in the end, God chose to take her home, to heal her body completely, so she may dance in heaven until we meet again.

Beauty rises from the ashes.

I will continue to pray for the broken-hearted and will continue to rejoice, dance, and sing in His Redemption Song. Holding steady to the confidence in what is to come. One day.

{We are a singing, dancing family. No doubt. Naomi today, just before nap.

 Girlfriend is healing fabulously from the surgery.}

finding fulfillment {finding grace}.

If you would have told me that I would have found the most fulfillment I ever have while facing my biggest nightmare, I would have told you were crazy. Grace in the time of my nightmare, I would have said no way.

But that's the beauty of grace, God's abundant love comes rushing in like a brook flows after a fresh storm right when you need it. His grace is sufficient, that has been deeply engraved on my heart this week.

But the part of grace that is so profound? It never ever goes away. It has always been with me. It has always been with you. It is always with each of us. It's when we decide to let God's grace fill us. To say yes to Him. Not the next big vacation. Or when your child scores the most goals. Or when you finally were able to remodel your bathroom. Or receive a raise. All of these things are wonderful and most certainly gifts from God as He loves His children dearly. But these things fade and we keep looking for what's next. I've found that the things of the world enter me and fill me until the sand in the hourglass has all fallen and then I flip it over and try to feel complete with another thing, until it is gone again. A repetitive cycle that grows weary with time.

But grace has no ending. It is eternal. It is abundant. This week, Jesus broke my self-sufficient and centered self so that I could clearly see this gift of grace. Gift. I didn't earn it. I don't deserve it. Yet, it is mine. He gave me a peace that transcends all understanding so I could bring glory to Him during this battle with cancer with our baby girl.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Romans 5:1-2

This week God used others to show his grace to us. Today two huge baskets of toiletries show up in our room given by a complete stranger-- my friend shared our story and it touched someone else and they wanted to show grace to us. A stranger from Oklahoma sent little gifts to Naomi to brighten her day. We have a date night waiting at an amazing restaurant in Indianapolis because others want to uplift my relationship with Andrew during this trying time. Food is brought to our house every night as others watch our other two babies. This is God. Taking care of His people.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

My God goes with me. He's gone before me. I'm so glad He didn't let me have a say in whether I was allowed to enter this nightmare. If someone asked me if I would be okay with my daughter being diagnosed with cancer? Of course I'd say no. But this week? Clearly God has been with us every step of the way and will continue as we will face new test results in a month, three months, six months, yearly. I don't regret this week or wish it was different. Yes, it is hard to see my baby in pain. But I know, I know she is going to be stronger from this. And most importantly our faith as a family has grown. And His kingdom is expanding. Others are saying yes to grace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

I can't fully understand God's plan. But what I can do is continue to set my eyes on Him and He will give me everything I need. And I believe grace and gratitude go hand in hand. When I thank Jesus for the little things, I see His grace abundantly in my life. Today He had his hands on Naomi as she had her nerve block removed and had very good pain control all day. Her fluid discharge was much better today, so good, that in the morning that can removed. She was her normal, feisty self, just wearing a cute little blue hospital gown. Tomorrow we go home. Home.

Tomorrow will come when it will. Tonight I watch my baby sleep peacefully in her hospital bed, knowing that whatever is next, His grace is sufficient.

he moved mountains.

I was living in my perfect little bubble. We were living the American dream the best we could. I constantly worried. I mean constantly. Are my children eating healthy enough? Are they well-rounded? What do others perceive of me? Do I exercise enough? We need to travel more. We need our kitchen remodeled. We have deadlines and books to return to the library. And appointments and laundry to fold and oh my gosh another dishwasher to unload. I just want a full nights sleep. Did we sing the abc's today? Are my children learning what they need to know? And now our lawn mower is broken. When will it ever end?

Then by the words of "you better sit down for this." I was brought instantly to my knees. None of that other stuff mattered anymore. This material world will not fill me or redeem me or make me whole or save me from eternal damnation. Or save my daughter who was suddenly deemed as a childhood cancer patient.

I became face to face with Jesus like I have never been before exactly one week ago.

I was convicted in these last seven days. My pride and need for control were crushed. And I'm so thankful for that. I had no other choice but to give my most precious, prized possessions over to God and say my babies are yours, I trust you with them.

And when I was able to do that. To give them over. God filled me with a supernatural peace. I'm usually a crier and very sensitive, but I have cried more tears of joy then of sadness by far. This stay at Riley Hospital has been enjoyable. He has given me so many opportunity to bask in His glory here and worship Him. He protected my heart from looking further down the road to what life could be like. He protected me from anxiously waiting for test results today. Instead I rested in Him. He has taught me to live for today. For tomorrow may never come. It's hard to describe this state that I am at, that God has drawn me so closely to Him. He couldn't make himself more real to me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

His grace is sufficient. He stripped me from everything comfortable, everything I had ever wanted so I could find Him, truly find Him. And in the midst of it, choose joy. Joy is not bound by our circumstances, it is anchored by hope.

But he said to me "His grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I believed that Jesus would heal Naomi. I didn't know when, but I trusted and had hope that no matter where this journey took us, God would guide us. Andrew and I didn't even have to feel our burden to the depth of despair. God sent every single person we knew to us and said let me help you. You are not alone. We have been incredibly blessed beyond measure. I love reflecting on the week and seeing how God sent one person after another after another to love on us. Thank you, thank you for loving us. 

I'm so thankful that God turned us in this direction. He used me, so gloriously broken and ruined to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

We aren't in the 100% clear. Naomi is still healing from surgery. We rejoice in today that she ate so well, went way above her goal of walking at least three times, and generally was her normal {feisty} self. We painted, played Candyland with a friend we met on the floor, did play-doh, made a card for Audrey, and rolled around in the red wagon like a boss. We Facetimed brother and sister and pretty much melted when Audrey asked for Naomi to go towards the screen so they could kiss. Tomorrow we look at removing her nerve block, and see how her pain control does then. She will have more tests run and check ups for probably forever. But Christ's miracle cannot be denied. The cancerous tumor, that ended up being mostly benign was removed 95% and the initial test results of the bone marrow check came back clear. The 5% left in her body will not harm her, and most likely will not grow. God uses his people to bring Him glory. He gave the doctors and nurses and entire team such talent and has allowed modern medicine to heal sickness. We are incredibly thankful for the people that worked with Naomi and us. The staff that work in a children's hospital are truly inspirational for what they do every single day.

The thing is, nothing is 100% certain in this world, except the assurance that Jesus Christ will come again. We aren't protected from experiencing more turmoil in days ahead. Outcomes don't always end up the way we want {seven years ago I lost my mom to Breast Cancer, I know chemo and radiation and loss.} Sin entered the world in The Garden, we became blind. Yet, God promises that He will come again and everything will be Redeemed. There will be New Life.

That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven and things in earth, and things under earth; and that every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Philippians  2:10-11

speak to me.

I just finished reading some stories to Naomi before she went off into dreamland. Once she closed her eyes, I closed the book because I thought she was asleep. Except she gently awoke and asked for me to keep reading. She didn't need to see me or the book, my voice was enough to comfort her to sleep. Today she requested multiple times for me to sing songs to her while her eyes were closed.

She just wanted to hear my voice. She had faith that was I there without seeing me. As I was reading to her with her eyes closed, I couldn't help but think that is exactly how Jesus is with me right now. I can't see him, but his voice, his presence is here.

"Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed," he said. "Peace. Be strong now; be strong." When he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said "Speak, my Lord, since you have given me strength." Daniel 10:19

Tomorrow marks our one week, just one week since our world seemed to be crashing down; when we were first told of the word tumor, mass, cancer, Neuroblastoma. In our two year old. Yet, I have never, ever in my life been at such peace. We are at the feet of Jesus, on our knees, and he is comforting us and glory is given to Him.

Tomorrow we find out more about the stage of the cancer and whether it was found in her bone marrow. Friday she will receive an MIBG, a scan that will tell us if there are hidden spots of cancer in her body.

But that is tomorrow. Tonight we rest and praise God for all the beauty we found today. The gorgeous weather-getting to eat lunch outside while Naomi rested in her room, how well she is eating and drinking, going potty, interacting, and having pain control. Sweet families and friends that came to visited, handed us blessings left and right.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Tonight I'm going to close my eyes and listen to Jesus speak to me to take me off into dreamland until I wake to praise Him again.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

it wasn't by accident.

[Naomi is doing so so well post-surgery. She is actually laying in bed, eating her second popsicle and watching Brave. Going in and out of sleep. I mean, come on. Girl has such strength.]

It wasn't by accident that Lincoln actually slept well last night even though he has been completely out of whack and not sleeping the nights before.

It wasn't by accident that Lincoln woke at the same time as Naomi early this morning, as happy as can be, reached in and hugged his sister right before we left.

It wasn't by accident that we saw the most beautiful sunrise this morning. The sun rays. I can't even. So glorious. The entire drive.

It wasn't by accident that Dr. West was Naomi's head surgeon, along with her entire team including Dr. Walker, Dr. Croop, Lindsey, Lauren, and so many many more.

It wasn't by accident that Naomi was peacefully loopy when we said our goodbyes to her this morning and actually laughed at her responses. {She looked at Andrew and asked if he was married, too funny!}

It wasn't by accident that the tumor was located in Naomi's chest, near her heart and lungs. Because this is actually rare in Neuroblastoma, but also to her advantage in that it is easier to remove.

It wasn't by accident that Dr. West was able to remove more tumor than she even hoped. Her goal was 90%, because if she could do that, many times the last 10% will regress on it's very own. 95% was removed. 95.

It wasn't by accident that we were right here. In this hospital. Worshipping. We worshipped and guarded our hearts with scripture. We prayed and we laughed. We sung songs of praise. And we felt so much peace through the entire procedure. The entire day. This journey, starting last Thursday.

It wasn't by accident that I felt comfortable enough leaving Naomi with Andrew (after I spent some good time with her) to just sleep, while I snuck away to love on my other babies and see that they were doing well.

You see, it wasn't by accident or luck or positive thoughts or good karma. This indescribable peace this whole time is only by God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. The prayers. The prayers were felt and answered. {thank you for sharing our story and praying}

He is meeting us here. Right where we are. He meets you, right where you are. We are broken people, I am broken. Yet He wants to do great things with us. With me. With my sweet baby Naomi.

He knew this was going to happen long before this. "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one them came to be." Psalm 139:16

My children are my life. I would give my life to protect them. My biggest fear, I'm living it. Yet, I don't feel the burden that I should. Because of Jesus.

I don't know how this story will end. We know that today was so good and the surgery couldn't have gone better. And that people every where, and I mean all over the world were crying out and praying to heal our precious baby.

Each day we will face new challenges and unknowns and waiting to hear results from this test and that test. We will find out if the cancer has spread, if it is in her bone marrow. We will find out if it is in any other parts of the body. We will find out the stage and what type of Neuroblastoma we are actually facing. Naomi has a lot of healing to do.

But this I know. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 

Today was a gift. A gift from God.





{I want to be sensitive to other stories out there. To parents who are currently struggling with children with diseases and cancer. I want to pick up every single child I see suffering at the hospital. I want to kiss them and love them. My heart breaks for parents who have lost children to such battles. Every single story is different. Every journey is different. The enemy tries to win, but God is bigger. He is our refuge. He is your refuge. Right where you are.}